a dreamy transparent world
I was wondering what would the universe be like if we all knew what each of us feels about the others. If I knew all my friends true feeling about me. If they knew mine about them. If they knew others feelings to them. If I knew their feelings to my friends. If we all knew. If we all revealed ourselves entirely. If we never hide behind deceiving actions.
I wonder what would happen if we all tell each other our feelings the moment we felt them. I really wish that the world could be like this. If it were, I wouldn't be here right now. I had never felt all these horrible feelings I'm dealing with every day. And it's getting worse. Worse and worse every day. How can it happen? How can I let it happen? Please stop it. I don't want this suffering. It's destroying me. It's ripping me apart. I can't stand it.
But what did I have before all these? What was I? A fucking nerd who did all sort of things to impress his friends. I wasn't honest with myself. I never told her my feelings. I never told anyone my feelings. I ate whatever is called lunch without complaining about its taste. I lived in difficult physical conditions and never care about them. Where were my feelings before that? How could I possibly block them? Was I ignoring them? Why? Was I scared? I am a coward. I know that. I can't endure the slightest emotional strike. I knew it deep inside, so I decided to ignore my feelings. Even this very decision.
In order to solve this problem, I need to start feeling again. I need to settle things from the deepest wreckage to the shallowest one. I need to sit down somewhere and start a journey inside myself. This is the only way. I need to think. I need to go deep. Very deep. VERY deep. And for that I need concentration. I need solitude. I need to stay away from everything and everyone. I need to not worry about anything by myself and my internal journey for a while. I'm going on a deep adventure. It can be terrifying sometimes. It can be enjoying sometimes. It can be painful sometimes. But I do my best to make it productive. That's the whole purpose of the journey. To produce results. To resolve my old internal problems.
So, shall we begin?
