unbidden sudden happiness
Strange. Sometimes I don't want to be happy. I want to think. I want to stay away from all happiness and just stuck in sadness, maybe because I think happiness is a sort of distraction for deep thinking. And suddenly someone comes in and start talking to me and I want to be happy and enjoy my time. Why is this? Clearly, I enjoy spending time with such person, but does it mean I don't enjoy thinking as much? being with friends is clearly enjoying for me. Especially those who don't judge my actions and classify them as good and bad. Those who respect my privacy even without me noticing them. With this kind of people around, I feel I can live freely with no concern of misjudgment. I think that's the only thing I check before I decide to be close to one or not. That's my only qualification test for close friends. That's why I decided to be close to R.Z., J.F. But there is something else I look for in girls. What is it? Is it only the beauty? Do I look into their behavior, too? Does their taste in clothing and color affect my opinion?
I guess for males I only look into their mind, behavior, and their insight on good and bad. But for female, I look into something else as well. I don't know what is that but wait. I'm finding it. I want to be open with a girl. I want to be able to explain everything to her and be sure that she understands me. I want to be sure that she doesn't bother me with superstitious or even stereotype sentences. Is that it? Is this the only thing I'm looking for? Perhaps that's why I don't like my mother. She always reacts with superstitious and stereotype sentences which never actually help me to solve the actual problem. Seriously what's the point of them?
As Nietzsche once said we knowers failed to know ourselves. Is believing in metaphysics a self-deceiving scheme to help up excuse our failures in studying ourselves? Maybe in the middle of the path some of us encountered a terrifying creature that made them run away from the path and get back to the starting point and start telling stories to themselves about the entire path in pursuit of forgetting that monster. And eventually, they started to believe those stories and started to tell them to others as well. Does it explain everything? Does it explain why we have different religions? But can it explain why almost all these religions have something in common?
The land of mind has dark and terrifying parts just as the land of feelings and we, human, are free to choose our path. Some just follow the others. They do not let their mind or their feelings to discover things for themselves. I wish to be exactly opposite. I want to experience everything for myself. I want to see everything myself, feel everything myself. I don't believe in other people personal opinions. I only accept logically provable statements from others. For the rest, I prefer to decide and experience myself. It looks like an inefficient approach. Why we, human, can't solve our common problems once and for all? That's a difficult question. But solving common problems with others is very productive and it is also a way to make social activities productive.
