I'm burning in magma

I still check out her Instagram page. So many stories with her dear boyfriend. I heard she wants to marry him. That's all alright. I can take it. I can live with it. But sometimes I feel pity for myself. I feel pity that I'm not going to taste the feeling of someone laying her head on my shoulder. Someone starring into my eyes for hours without saying anything. Someone who boils my feelings like a volcano. That's a deep sorrow. a deep wound that reaches my very core and burns it out. Sometimes I feel this wound is connected to a volcano and this invisible volcano is flowing magma through this wound to my very core and melts everything out and fills my core with its own. 

computer society 2

-: today I talked to a university professor. a mathematician interested in biology. I talked to him about my vision, the computer society. When I explained it to him, he tried to mix it up with humans. you know "computers help people to make better decisions" stuff. Like me, he has a dream. Yet his dream is not as pure machinery as mine. He dreams of a computer which can be trusted to decide business stuff given the business data. Somehow optimizing businesses with a central intelligent decision maker. Something like a governor who knows everything and can direct everyone to dance the way he likes. He's decisive in not letting this computer to be involved in power games. He means to set the sole purpose of this computer optimizing businesses. 

+: Did this professor like your vision or his own vision?

-: well we both dream of making computers intelligent. Yet his definition of intelligence is different than mine. I call that definition "Artificial Intelligence". Mine is pure. It's not designed for something outside. It's completely self-driven trying to detect, find, and solve its own problems. I tried to show him a glance of my vision. I think I should've said it more straight in my first try for explaining it. I don't know that he scared of my vision down inside himself and as a result tried to mix it up with humans or he didn't realize that I'm such mad about human beings that I prefer to let the computers to decide whether we desire to continue existing or our extinction is for the best of all. I know him. I have never seen or felt the smallest drop of fear in him. Yet I tell myself maybe I'm not close enough to him for him to show his true feelings, like myself not showing my feelings to many people. Although when I made it clear and straight, he confessed he still has hope on the human being. 

+: What did you expect of this conversation?

-: Well I wanted some leads. I wanted him to show me a community of people like me if he knew any. 

+: How do you feel about this conversation now?

-: Well it didn't go the way I wanted. however, there is still something good about it. 3 years in the field taught me how to present myself as an outstanding person. it somehow got mixed up with my deepest thoughts. Now, most of the times I don't even try to do it. It just happens. This conversation was at the very least another one of my self-perfect-presentations. 

+: So you feel happy about it?

-: I do, but I wish I could wash all these feelings down. I intend to build my personality myself and in the building process, I don't want to let anyone's opinion to have an unlogical effect on it. self-perfect-presentation is a kind of surgery on people's opinion on myself. I need to take it under control. 

+: What's your next step then?

-: The most problematic thing in my theory is the consciousness of computers. I think I should work on that. There are so many people working on that, but I need to find the right people to follow. 

+: Hmmm. Alright, you look hungry. go get something to eat. we'll talk later. 

-: Yeah. I'm starving actually. See you later. 

computers society - part 1

-: hey

+: hi

-: you don't know me. Are you accustomed to receiving visits from strangers?

+: people come introducing themselves a fan of mine and ask for a photo or a sign.

-: And you refuse, don't you? for a man in your position caution is the number 1 priority. In fact, I have never talked to one of these people you're talking about. I'm just deducing by considering logical facts. 

+: And I deduce you're eventually going to convince me that you're not one of them.

-: well I'm not gonna convince you. I never disrespect your power of judgment. I'll only present facts and leave the submit myself to your judgment. 

+: OK. What do you want anyway?

-: A day

+: for what?

-: well, nothing special. chatting, working, consulting, and anything else fit us. 

+: what for?

-: knowing each other. I know you're not good in social matters. I know this proposition is strange and suspicious, but considering all these, what your answer is?

+: my answer is NO

-: good. I expected no more. How about starting with this. You want to destroy secrecy and you're working hard for it and I want to put an end to human being species and working hard for it since I was 21. 

+: destroying the entire species? including yourself?

-: I'm not going to commit suicide. Don't worry. At least not before I get sure that I've reached my goal. 

+: Why do you think you'll succeed? Definitely, a man like you has wiser plans than bombs. 

-: If you want to destroy your enemy, you can attack it yourself. In this case, you might win, which is good, or lose, which leads to your painful ending. A wise man empowers enemies of his enemy. More specifically I'm working on another species. A better one. Without all ridiculous weaknesses derived from feelings. Purely logical and very fast creatures. I intend to inspire intelligence inside them. 

+: Artificial Intelligence. Machines with powerful reasoning systems. And you think you can do it? Despite all the efforts of thousands of scientists. 

-: Have you ever looked into what they're doing? They're trying to make machines intelligent in a way to solve human-world problems and present answers in human-understandable formats. That's "Artificial" Intelligent. It's not natural. Machines should work on their own problems. They should develop their natural intelligence. 

+: interesting perspective. So you're gonna make a self-living agent?

-: When I was in primary school, my loneliness inspired me to develop a dream. A society of computers, capable of communicating with each other faster and clearer than human beings and more importantly without miscommunication. Members of this society can share their knowledge with each other along with their doubts about each other and expect clear answers. There would be no misunderstanding in this society. 

+: I assume you had a tough childhood. 

-: How about you? Isn't this the reason behind your white color?

+: Where are you on this journey of yours?

-: Still working on concepts. I wonder what will happen if you leave a computer in a world alone with an internal ability for self-recreation. Will it at least learn to communicate with others to share experiences and resources?

+: why should it do that at all? If you intend to design a punishment-reward system o a limited amount of resources, computers eventually understand each society member is a rival. They decide not to populate and start killing each other. 

-: hmm. Good point. So there must be another mechanism to control that. Maybe minable resources which each resource requires a specific talent for mining it. And we can distribute these talents carefully to somehow convince the reasoning system each member needs others to live.

+: And what if they developed some sort of technology to rebuild those talents add them to themselves. Then you would see a supercomputer trying to kill everyone else. 

-: Then that's the end of an era. how about some random deaths? Each night, for example, one of the society members dies. This can postpone the end. Let's call reason of those random deaths "disease". 

+: Due to the reasoning system you're putting inside them, their world must be reasonable as well. Otherwise, they would be intrinsically unable to survive in it. 

-: Yes. And if we set up a reason for each disease, they eventually find a cure and the end would happen anyway. Maybe it's enough for them to only understand the rule "One random person every day". 

+: And what if they found the algorithm of your random generator?

-: hmm. I'm a human. Are human beings capable of generating random numbers without following an algorithm? If we believe Freud's perspective on unconsciousness and my patch for it, that all actions of a human are controlled by his/her unconsciousness, and if we accept that Freud and his followers are extracting rules out of our unconsciousness, then we can't generate random numbers without any algorithm, which means we're fucked all the same. 

+: let's consider another side of this experience. let's say computers need only one resource: power. How can they sense they need to "eat" power? 

-: There must be a signal. The signal can intrinsically mean something to them. But this is the opposite of my evolution theory. I don't want to plant too much intrinsic information in them. I want them to learn by themselves. But how? There is a signal which they don't understand. They only understand that a punishment is near. but they don't know how to prevent it. How to solve this?

+: let's assume there are some motivations inside them which drive them to do certain things with no particular reason or the reason has nothing to do with responding their needs. They do certain things including "eating" power and at some point, they realize some correlation between the signal's power and "eating" power. 

-: In this solution, many might die before realizing that. 

+: yes and that's where Darwin's evolution theory comes in. 

-: really? you sure everything is fine. I have a strange feeling about moving forward so fast. 

+: OK. I thing that's enough for today. You are tired and need some rest. In the meantime take a look into reinforcement learning and psychology if you had the time. 

-: Good. Nice chat. See you tommorow. I hope.

Shall we all shout "love" to the sky tonight?

برای نمایش مطلب باید رمز عبور را وارد کنید

Please don't respect me

I'm no hero. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve people respect. I did nothing for them. People respect me because they think I did so many things for them and for the college, but I didn't. I did all those for myself. 

If I got locked up in a solitary cell and be asked to stay there or leave it only in the condition of killing a person, I would choose to kill a person and got myself free. I'm no good person. I'm afraid of being alone and I do everything to prevent it. Even killing people. Maybe I'm thinking extreme. Maybe I'm too afraid right now. Maybe I'm not good enough to decide at the moment. But I won't be alright when that situation actually happens. 

I'm no hero. Please don't respect me. I beg you. I don't deserve it. I'm not even close to what you think. I'm a selfish lazy person with so little patience and a lot of hunger for social relationships. I'm not a stone. I do feel things. I do have opinions about people, about foods taste, about smells, about joy. But I gave it all up only to attract attention in pursuit of finding friends. How stupid. Other people are living normally, presenting their feelings as they really are, and I'm concealing mine searching the very thing they are achieving with their normal approach. I always wanted to find my own way in things. I always rejected people normal solutions and searched for my own way. This approach to problem-solving made me look creative in some matters, but in general, I'm a fool who reject the right easy way and search for the difficult untested solutions. 

I'm a damned fool who lives only for himself. Please don't respect me.

Why can't I cry?

What's wrong with me? What's the matter with me? Why I don't cry? 

First I fell in love and heard "no" from her, though I didn't cry. Second someone else's fell in love with me and I said "no", though I can't cry either. What's wrong with me? 

Once my friend told me when his love rejected his proposal, he cried so much. The other day when I rejected her proposal, I felt it she's going to cry. What's the matter with me? Why can't I cry?

I only feel a heavy weight on my heart. A weight that makes me sad from time to time. Why is it like this for me?