Please don't respect me

I'm no hero. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve people respect. I did nothing for them. People respect me because they think I did so many things for them and for the college, but I didn't. I did all those for myself. 

If I got locked up in a solitary cell and be asked to stay there or leave it only in the condition of killing a person, I would choose to kill a person and got myself free. I'm no good person. I'm afraid of being alone and I do everything to prevent it. Even killing people. Maybe I'm thinking extreme. Maybe I'm too afraid right now. Maybe I'm not good enough to decide at the moment. But I won't be alright when that situation actually happens. 

I'm no hero. Please don't respect me. I beg you. I don't deserve it. I'm not even close to what you think. I'm a selfish lazy person with so little patience and a lot of hunger for social relationships. I'm not a stone. I do feel things. I do have opinions about people, about foods taste, about smells, about joy. But I gave it all up only to attract attention in pursuit of finding friends. How stupid. Other people are living normally, presenting their feelings as they really are, and I'm concealing mine searching the very thing they are achieving with their normal approach. I always wanted to find my own way in things. I always rejected people normal solutions and searched for my own way. This approach to problem-solving made me look creative in some matters, but in general, I'm a fool who reject the right easy way and search for the difficult untested solutions. 

I'm a damned fool who lives only for himself. Please don't respect me.

Why can't I cry?

What's wrong with me? What's the matter with me? Why I don't cry? 

First I fell in love and heard "no" from her, though I didn't cry. Second someone else's fell in love with me and I said "no", though I can't cry either. What's wrong with me? 

Once my friend told me when his love rejected his proposal, he cried so much. The other day when I rejected her proposal, I felt it she's going to cry. What's the matter with me? Why can't I cry?

I only feel a heavy weight on my heart. A weight that makes me sad from time to time. Why is it like this for me?

what should I do?

برای نمایش مطلب باید رمز عبور را وارد کنید

unbidden sudden happiness

Strange. Sometimes I don't want to be happy. I want to think. I want to stay away from all happiness and just stuck in sadness, maybe because I think happiness is a sort of distraction for deep thinking. And suddenly someone comes in and start talking to me and I want to be happy and enjoy my time. Why is this? Clearly, I enjoy spending time with such person, but does it mean I don't enjoy thinking as much? being with friends is clearly enjoying for me. Especially those who don't judge my actions and classify them as good and bad. Those who respect my privacy even without me noticing them. With this kind of people around, I feel I can live freely with no concern of misjudgment. I think that's the only thing I check before I decide to be close to one or not. That's my only qualification test for close friends. That's why I decided to be close to R.Z., J.F. But there is something else I look for in girls. What is it? Is it only the beauty? Do I look into their behavior, too? Does their taste in clothing and color affect my opinion? 

I guess for males I only look into their mind, behavior, and their insight on good and bad. But for female, I look into something else as well. I don't know what is that but wait. I'm finding it. I want to be open with a girl. I want to be able to explain everything to her and be sure that she understands me. I want to be sure that she doesn't bother me with superstitious or even stereotype sentences. Is that it? Is this the only thing I'm looking for? Perhaps that's why I don't like my mother. She always reacts with superstitious and stereotype sentences which never actually help me to solve the actual problem. Seriously what's the point of them?

As Nietzsche once said we knowers failed to know ourselves. Is believing in metaphysics a self-deceiving scheme to help up excuse our failures in studying ourselves? Maybe in the middle of the path some of us encountered a terrifying creature that made them run away from the path and get back to the starting point and start telling stories to themselves about the entire path in pursuit of forgetting that monster. And eventually, they started to believe those stories and started to tell them to others as well. Does it explain everything? Does it explain why we have different religions? But can it explain why almost all these religions have something in common?

The land of mind has dark and terrifying parts just as the land of feelings and we, human, are free to choose our path. Some just follow the others. They do not let their mind or their feelings to discover things for themselves. I wish to be exactly opposite. I want to experience everything for myself. I want to see everything myself, feel everything myself. I don't believe in other people personal opinions. I only accept logically provable statements from others. For the rest, I prefer to decide and experience myself. It looks like an inefficient approach. Why we, human, can't solve our common problems once and for all? That's a difficult question. But solving common problems with others is very productive and it is also a way to make social activities productive. 

what is this feeling?

We all knew people who always try hard to anticipate every problem we might encounter and they prepare themselves to help us the moment we need their help. What is this feeling? Why do people do this? Why they decide to use their time and energy like this? What they achieve? 

I myself felt it. I don't know how many times and about how many people. I was too ignorant to my feelings before. But I remember one person. One very dear closest friend who's the sole reason of all these writings and the very blog itself. Who introduced me the land of feelings and love which I failed to forget its taste ever since. I remember I was ready to sacrifice my whole life and properties to make her happy. But where did this decision come from? How did I justify it to myself? Why did I take this decision in the first place? What was I thinking? That's it. I wasn't thinking. I was poisoned by powerful feelings which resulted in the loss of mind power, at least temporarily. I don't know to be thankful that the effect wasn't permanently or not. 

After I proposed her and she kindly rejected, I feel I'm getting braver and braver in social activities every day. And a bit wiser, I hope. Now I decided not to let myself be poisoned again. I'm not back to my 100%-mind-ruling situation. I have decided to let my feelings speak. To let them express themselves. But that doesn't mean I'm going to follow them blindly. I broke so many walls that had been built in my childhood by stupid beliefs and culture and built my own ones. I'm no longer running from society and social activities, no matter how wrong they seem according to my previous beliefs. I'm myself. I should rule my own life myself. I should choose what to believe and what not to believe. No one can force me on this subject. I'm free to choose. 

I'm braver. I'm ready to fail and I don't care about its people thoughts about me if I fail. 

I'm living for myself. 

a dreamy transparent world

I was wondering what would the universe be like if we all knew what each of us feels about the others. If I knew all my friends true feeling about me. If they knew mine about them. If they knew others feelings to them. If I knew their feelings to my friends. If we all knew. If we all revealed ourselves entirely. If we never hide behind deceiving actions. 

I wonder what would happen if we all tell each other our feelings the moment we felt them. I really wish that the world could be like this. If it were, I wouldn't be here right now. I had never felt all these horrible feelings I'm dealing with every day. And it's getting worse. Worse and worse every day. How can it happen? How can I let it happen? Please stop it. I don't want this suffering. It's destroying me. It's ripping me apart. I can't stand it. 

But what did I have before all these? What was I? A fucking nerd who did all sort of things to impress his friends. I wasn't honest with myself. I never told her my feelings. I never told anyone my feelings. I ate whatever is called lunch without complaining about its taste. I lived in difficult physical conditions and never care about them. Where were my feelings before that? How could I possibly block them? Was I ignoring them? Why? Was I scared? I am a coward. I know that. I can't endure the slightest emotional strike. I knew it deep inside, so I decided to ignore my feelings. Even this very decision. 

In order to solve this problem, I need to start feeling again. I need to settle things from the deepest wreckage to the shallowest one. I need to sit down somewhere and start a journey inside myself. This is the only way. I need to think. I need to go deep. Very deep. VERY deep. And for that I need concentration. I need solitude. I need to stay away from everything and everyone. I need to not worry about anything by myself and my internal journey for a while. I'm going on a deep adventure. It can be terrifying sometimes. It can be enjoying sometimes. It can be painful sometimes. But I do my best to make it productive. That's the whole purpose of the journey. To produce results. To resolve my old internal problems. 

So, shall we begin?

powerful feelings

how? why? why can't I escape it? I had a dream last night. I was desperate on something. something bad had happened to me and I was sad. And she was there, D. She held my hand and I held hers. That was like a relief. Suddenly I was getting better. I couldn't find any logical reason. Just an illusion of feelings. Same thing I felt with R. in real life. I've felt it so many times with her and I think I had been addicted to it. This kind of addiction is difficult to hold back. How can I do it? 

Love is a powerful feeling. When you feel it once you can't live without it. You embrace anything that can give you that taste again. It can make you complete and very productive on your works and can make your life sweetest but if it ends, if it stops, your life would be a disaster. Fixing such a mess requires so much work. But when you are finally confident that you resolved it, you may end up with a result that both your heart and your mind agrees. You decide not to let your feelings to get that powerful again. That's like self-torturing, but it's the cost you need to pay to keep things stable, to keep yourself stable. You probably don't marry, don't get that close to anyone, don't let yourself to love anyone or even like anyone too much. But that's the point. All these things are jumping into powerful feelings that you want to avoid. 

Is that fine? That's a difficult question. I can't answer that. It depends on you. Which one do you prefer? being addicted to powerful feelings and feel pain just as hard and deep as happiness or do not go far deep inside feelings and their powers. 

Remember, you feel pain just as hard as you feel happy. 

purpose

برای نمایش مطلب باید رمز عبور را وارد کنید

war

in wars, we trade our loved ones and our power of giving them up for our purpose with the enemy's loved ones and power of sacrificing his/her loved ones. We do this until one of us run out of one of these two supplies. 

But what purpose truly worth this huge cost? 

What drives a war? One's feelings or mind? Or both? Or there is some other unknown creature in only a handful of men - who experienced some special things - which propose ideas alongside feelings and mind?

When you look into your own feelings, you may classify difficulty of understanding them vastly. If you say it's easy, you did not look enough. If you say it's complex, you are looking enough, but you're not trying to understand. When you start trying to understand your feelings, you realize it's deeply complicated. Sometimes its complication fools one to falsely believe one does realize the true nature of one's actions. Nietzsche in 1887 started his book, On the genealogy of morality, with the sentence "We are unknown to ourselves". So many people followed him. Some started to think about things that other people believed in but couldn't defend with facts. Some started to think about things that no one ever thought about. They all tried to understand what has happened to us, the human, in centuries, different civilizations, different laws, different lands, and different life styles, yet we still know our surrounding better than ourselves. Freud started something huge and fortunately we accepted his idea, not to mention our previous failures in ignoring people with shiny ahead-of-time thoughts, and studied it. We are studying ourselves for a long time. But as soon as we manage to clarify a part of this amusing painting, we find the details annoyingly unknown, and even sometimes we encounter an entirely new dimension of this - sometimes horribly enormous - painting. Things are getting more complicated as we step forward, although we hope that one day we solve everything. In fact that hope is what drives - almost - all scientists. Some enjoy their achievements and some ignore their remarkable ones and instead suffer their failures in pursue of empowering themselves to fight harder - but to what end?

One doesn't need to study books and papers to study oneself, as there were none for Freud. One just need oneself along with will. If you want to study yourself, you need to stop ignoring - It reminded me of a sentence from Russell "Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education". Stupidity is not seeing a problem. Ignorant is seeing it, but ignoring it. I bet you can list a dozen of situations right now which you ignored something you thought it worth thinking. I can list a thousand. It took me a long time to realize that I need to save some of my free time to study myself. Now that I realized it, I can feel a part of my heart is crying for the time I wasted. 

Some say time is the most valuable thing one got. I disagree. I say you choose what to value and what not. Your feelings tell you they need something. You provide them with it and they start asking for another thing. There is no guarantee that their thirst ever stops. So you may find yourself serving your own feelings your entire life. On the other hand, your mind only respond to surroundings. It proposes plots to exploit the opportunities which the world has an infinite supply. So you may find yourself following your mind your entire life. 

Your mind deduce whether an opportunity worth taking or not - this part of some people's mind like me is broken, so they take any opportunity they face and at the end they will find themselves drawn and all the opportunities are lost. How does it deduce so? Among all the things it uses, "purpose" influence maybe the most. 

There are long-term purposes and short-term ones. Besides, just as your mind has purposes, your feelings might have. So some questions pop-up:

1) Does our feelings account purposes at all? If so, is it only short-term or long-terms are accepted either? 

2) Where does purposes come from per se?

3) How our unconsciousness influence our purposes?

جنگ احساس و عقل

اتفاقی برای شما افتاده. این اتفاق در شما همزمان دو حس را برمی انگیزد. یک حس شما را به آن کار تشویق می کند و دیگری شما را از انجام آن نهی می کند. شما چطوری تصمیم می گیرید؟ چه عاملی باعث می شود نظر یکی از آن دو احساس را بپذیرید؟ قطعا آن احساسی که شما نسبت به آن کمبود بیشتری دارید غالب می شود. اما در این بین ممکن است عقل نیز از یکی از این دو پشتیبانی کند. اگر احساسی که شما نسبت به آن کمبود دارید در جناح مخالف عقلتان باشد چه می کنید؟ اگر عقل از هیچ یک از آن ها طرفداری نکند و شما نسبت به هر دو آن احساسات به یک اندازه کمبود داشته باشید، چه عاملی نظر شما را تعیین می کند؟ 

شما در هر حالت انتخاب می کنید چه کاری انجام دهید. اگر فرضیه «تسلط ناخودآگاه بر خودآگاه» را فراموش کنیم، شما در تمام این حالات قدرت انتخاب دارید. 

پس عقل و احساس هر کدام یک یا چند گزاره را مطرح می کنند و شما از بین آن ها یکی را انتخاب می کنید. پس فرایند تصمیم گیری و انتخاب در انسان این گونه است که اول عقل و احساس چند گزاره ارائه می کنند و سپس قوه انتخاب یکی از آن ها را انتخاب می کند. با این اوصاف حتی اگر ناخودآگاه فقط روی احساس و عقل تسلط داشته باشد، به صورت غیرمستقیم روی انتخاب انسان نیز تاثیرگذار است. 

اما قوه انتخاب از چه چیزی نشأت می گیرد؟ اگر دو احساس متضاد داشته باشید و عقل طرف هیچ یک را نگیرد و شما نیز نسبت به هر دو احساس به یک اندازه کشش داشته باشید، چگونه تصمیم می گیرید؟ شکی نیست که انتخاب هر یک برای شما غم انگیز است زیرا از ارضاء یکی از کمبودهای خود صرف نظر کرده اید. در واقع قوه انتخاب در این مثال بیشتر مایه غم و اندوه است تا مایه افتخار انسان. 

بیایید سناریوهای تصمیم گیری را بشماریم. برای تصمیم گیری ابتدا عقل و احساس نظرات خود را مطرح می کنند. 

اگر احساس و عقل هر دو متفق القول یک نظر بدهند، دیگر انتخابی مطرح نمی شود. 

اگر احساس به یک نظر واحد برسد و عقل نیز به یک نظر واحد، قوه انتخاب بنا بر چه چیزی تصمیم می گیرد؟ قوه انتخاب نه از احساسات نشأت می گیرد و نه از عقل. پس نیروی ثالثی آن را به حرکت وا می دارد. قوه انتخاب در این سناریو فقط دو تصمیم می تواند بگیرد: یک: پیروی از عقل و دو: پیروی از احساس. پس جنگ عقل و احساس در میدان قوه انتخاب اتفاق می افتد. آیا قوه انتخاب همواره از یکی از این دو طرفداری می کند یا مولفه ای دیگر برای هر کدام از نظرات عقل و احساس تحت عنوان شدت آن نظر نیز دریافت می کند و با توجه به آن ها تصمیم می گیرد؟ اگر مولفه شدت نظر را نیز دریافت می کند، چطوری واحد شدت احساس و شدت عقل را به هم تبدیل می کند؟ آیا مولفه دیگری نیز وجود دارد که به این تبدیل کمک کند و این تبدیل را آسان تر کند یا فرایند انتخاب به کلی مستقل از شدت نظرات عقل و احساس رفتار می کند؟ قوه انتخاب بر چه اساسی انتخاب می کند؟

اگر احساس چند نظر ارائه کند و عقل فقط یکی از آن نظرات را تایید کند و نظر دیگری ارائه نکند، قوه انتخاب چه می کند؟ اگر عقل نظرات ناشی از احساسات را تایید نکند و نظری برای خود داشته باشد چطور؟ 

اگر احساس به کلی نظری ارائه نکند(آیا چنین چیزی ممکن است؟) و عقل چند نظر ارائه کند، قوه انتخاب چگونه تصمیم می گیرد؟ 

قوه انتخاب چگونه تصمیم می گیرد؟ چه نیرویی آن را به حرکت وا می دارد؟ قوه انتخاب فی ذاته چیست؟